Here’s an amusing article on the benefits of a federal bailout for writers, of whom most of us agree comprise too great a percentage of the population. Thankfully we have agents, editors, and publishers as gatekeepers, but they are mostly just standing around with their thumbs in the crack of a dike (no Gertrude Stein jokes here) as the floodwaters build and everyone either self-publishes a book or decides to distribute their work on the Internet for free. Because New York “isn’t ready for their genius” or they “are too cutting edge.” The problem is nobody tells them “no” anymore. Or better yet, “Shut up. Stop. Please. For the sake of all that is holy.”
In the good old days, editors actually typed and signed letters of regret for being unable to accept work, but then the mimeograph was invented and form letters became socially acceptable, perhaps under the notion that wholesale, generic rejection was somehow more compassionate. Then most editors and publishing houses stopped accepting queries altogether, counting on agents to serve as first line of defense in the trench warfare of literature. As recently as a decade ago, you could still get a form letter for the price of your self-addressed, stamped envelope. Now most agents simply don’t respond at all “unless interested.” Meaning they don’t respond at all.
For years I tried to talk people out of self-publishing. It’s bad economics, because the biggest stumbling block to getting an audience is getting your books in front of the readers who can buy them. After all, why else would we need a publishing industry? I’ve heard people who call themselves writers tell me, “I’ve already had three rejections, so I may as well print it up.” I don’t even waste my breath anymore, though I did wonder how they ended up with rejection slips in an age when ignorance is bliss. The same Internet that makes it easy for agents (and, by extension, publishers) to ignore you and still consider their profession to be genteel, courteous, and crusading also makes it easy for anybody to throw up a Web site and dump 100,000 words of Gurglish without insulting any electrons.
Luckily for those who consider themselves real writers (and the article’s stated $40,000 a year “average” income would inspire most of the writers in my acquaintance to turn joyous backflips and buy health insurance for spinal surgery), not many fly-by-nights or type-by-12-packs are actually going to stick with it long enough to compete with you.
The article also touches on the plight of Ann Beattie, whose authorial good name has been hijacked by another Ann Beattie. There is another Scott Nicholson (not the real one, I can assure you) who has self-published a book called “Seeds of Achievement.” In researching for this blog entry, I discovered one site that erroneously had the author’s bio as mine. Hell, maybe the guy writes better than me. That wouldn’t be too difficult, since I’m part of that vast subset of writers who aren’t verifiable geniuses like Larry McMurtry, Stephen King, Ray Bradbury, Shirley Jackson, or Richard Brautigan. But the annual thirty-cent royalty checks are not making their way to my address.
It irks me when his books are listed alongside mine or when one of my readers asks me “WTF?” about that book. True, he has a right to use his name (and I’m not even sure this is the same Scott Nicholson who “stole” scottnicholson-dot-com or the one who writes board games, or a new imposter) and I have a right to change my name. Who knows, maybe these other Scott Nicholsons have been submitting badly written query letters that open with, “Dear mean agent, I know you’re going to reject me, but….” And these agents, seeing the sullen and mutilated grammar, immediately block “Scott Nicholson” from their email inboxes, then real Scott Nicholsons like me can’t even tell when we’re getting rejected. Does that “no” mean “no” or does it mean I’m sending spam, or is it that my genius is so far ahead of its time that it’s cutting edge?
The U.S. government may find it worth $40,000 a year to keep people from writing. Maybe we can then all turn to some other. more-useful enterprise, like dog-sledding, porcupine husbandry, or natural-gas exploration. I figure with a one-time cash grant of $250,000, we could convince all Scott Nicholsons to rest their weary pens forever.
But, hey, if you are the one in hundred writers who actually finishes a novel and are then one in the hundred novelists who actually gets a response and then become one of the hundred “read” novelists who gets passed to an editor and then…well, you see where this is headed. Your odds are a lot better at being a Scott Nicholson than it is at being a New York-published novelist. In fact, I feel ready to self-publish a book myself. The title is “Scott Nicholson” and I will release it under a pen name. Do you have a successful authorial name I can steal? I would pay you $40,000, except I’m a writer.